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When Blind Women Need Oreos

7 Jan

My last post about the unibrow sugar fart got me thinking about other roommates that have been exposed to Daily Life With Sarah which then reminded me of the time I thought I was going to lose one of the best roommates this world has ever known.

Meet MalPal and J-Bootch:123kent

The three of us spent a year as roommates while I was living in Boston.  MalPal and I had already lived together for more than two years so she was used to the crazy that is Daily Life With Sarah.  J-Bootch on the other hand had no idea what he was getting himself into when he responded to an ad for an apartment on Craigslist with “Turbo Talk” and “Sporty Spice”  the summer of 2011.  Poor guy.

A few days after J-Bootch moved in, I subjected him to CO2 poisoning by nearly burning the house down as I attempted to microwave fishsticks for eight minutes. Fishsticks – 1, Sarah – 0.

yup, even the plate exploded.

yup, even the plate exploded.

A few days after that (less than a week after moving in), I had wrapped up dinner and drinks and hopped on the T to head home.  When I got off the T, something struck my foot.  My first thought was that some crazy kids were throwing things at me; my natural response was to turn around aggressively and show them my you-better-watch-out-or-I’ll-tell-your-mother face (it’s a good one).  Plan ruined when I turned around and there was a [not so] sweet blind woman in a motorized wheelchair who couldn’t even see how intimidating my face was.  She had accidentally hit me with her blind walking stick.  Because everyone has been hit by a blind woman in a motorized wheelchair, right?

I’m not sure how I feel about blind people driving in general, but political views aside I felt terrible for the thoughts that had been in my head .3 seconds after being struck on the foot.  I apologized to her and kindly and let her pass.

Don't you go dying on me!

Don’t you go dying on me!

As she got a few yards further, she did the same thing to a man that had been walking ahead of me…. struck his foot with her walking stick.  This man had the same natural reaction but instead, as he turned around he said “What the @$8%?!” This guy was ready to start a fight.  The woman said [in a none too friendly], bit of sarcastic tone “Excuse me.” As she forged ahead as continued yelling after her “You better watch where your $#@&*$%’ing  #*&$ is #&^$’ing going!!!”

Ok.  I get it.  No one wants to be struck on the foot, but seriously???  Can we just chill out??  Her sarcastic response was priceless:  I’M BLIND. 5304039-woman-in-sunglasses-portrait-strong-side-light

At this point she had already driven out ear shot to use a normal tone so he continued to make his thoughts known to her by YELLING a string of more obscenities.  Wooooooow.

I was furious.  I was ready to act.  I was coming up with every response in the book to stand up for this blind woman…. but then I realized that responding to his obscenities with a few of my own was no way to stand up for her.  Then I thought that responding at all was not wise considering my stature compared to this over-sized, enraged, behemoth of a man (mild exaggeration).

Ugh.  I had to do something.

He was walking at a slower than I was, so I passed him and ended up getting about a block ahead of him by the time I was home…. That’s when I had a GENIUS idea.idea

I ran up the stairs to my second floor apartment as fast as I could and burst thru the door.  J-Bootch had been enjoying a low key evening until I  ran up to him panting “DON’T ASK QUESTIONS!  WE NEED SOMETHING TO THROW!!! QUICK!!! SOMETHING NOW!!!!”

He started running through the apartment looking for things to throw.  He held up an apple… (love him) “No no no no… We’ll get in trouble for that.  OREOS!!!!! GET THE OREOS!!!!!!”

We ran and grabbed the Oreos from the pantry.oreos

At this point I had still not had a second to explain what we were doing, but I shooshed my hand over my mouth and signaled to J-Bootch that we needed to go on our balcony.  He followed close behind with Oreos in hand.

The timing could not have been more perfect… the jerk behemoth man that had cursed out the motorized blind woman had just walked passed our house and was within Oreo shot!  I whispered to J-Bootch… “We have to throw Oreos at that guy until we hit him!”  Bootch took aim and started throwing.  He nailed him in the back of the leg!!!!!!! YYYYYYYEEEESSSS!!!!! (love him x1,000,000).  We snuck back inside before the guy knew what (or who) had hit him.

I then took time to explain the situation and I’m not sure if J-Bootch agreed Oreos was the correct method of punishment…. but he could not have been a better sport.  Kind of like the time he woke up, I was no where to be found and…. well…

story for another day

story for another day

I’d like to think if I didn’t move to San Diego that J-Bootch and I would still be roommates…. so for now let’s just go ahead and say that’s the reason why we don’t still live together 😉

In the meantime, please let me know if you’d like me to join the neighborhood watch force in your neighborhood.  Oreos will be in abundance.

Serious inquires only, please.neighborhood watch


Life Lessons learned in ADVENTURE

15 Aug

There is a book that I tried reading (couldn’t finish) and I thought it was so boring… the main character hitchhikes through the U.S. and essentially leaves towns after he’s broken enough hearts, cheated enough people, done enough drugs and drank himself silly.  Hardly a character that I admire.  I could never really put my finger on why I didn’t like it, outside of the obvious moral issues, until I was accused of not understanding the true meaning of the book, which I have been told is: “adventure” I just went and read a few reviews to refresh my memory to make sure I didn’t miss something… here is a piece of a review that I feel sums up the book pretty well: 

“…the outlet of a generation’s desire and inner need to get out, break its confinement, and find freedom, liberated from any higher belief, notion, or ideology. The desperation and the lack of fulfillment made these youths feel that ‘the only thing to do was go’, searching for their personal freedom, and finding pleasure in sex, drugs, and jazz.”

wow.  real exciting.  and that’s written by someone that actually LIKED the book. 

So it’s taken me a couple of years, and I am finally able to pinpoint why this book doesn’t sit well with me – I live in an adventure.  To me this fictional story is 100x less exciting than my actual life, and especially the lives of my friends!  I’ll give you their numbers and you can grab a drink with them… or at the very least, read their blogs 😉  In the meantime – you are stuck with me and my blog (sucka!!!).  So that’s my motivation – here’s my list:

Life adventures leading up to The Year of 25:

The more obvious ones that other people would call an adventure include:

  • Study abroad in Oxford encompasses a lot – the biggest thing I learned is that the most breathtaking things that you’ll ever see can’t be captured by a camera (in the deep thoughtful way.. but typically just because the security guards won’t let you!) Highlights include:
    • Eating dinner at “The Bird and Babe” in the same booth where CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien frequently met
    • Walking through the field where Alice and Wonderland was created
    • Stonehenge
    • Climbing the stairs of the Eiffel Tower
    • Celebrating the 500 year anniversary of William Wallace… in Scotland
    • Sitting next to the director of the Sound of Music on a train to Salzburg
    • Vatican City
    • Taking pictures with the leaning tower of Pisa
    • Getting lost in Rome.. separated from my group.. with no cell phones (much less smart phones – these weren’t invented yet, kids)
    • The David
    • Buying art in Florence from a 75 year-old pirate/PE teacher
    • The Mona Lisa (and getting lost in the Louvre for 4 hours…)
    • The Pantheon
    • Eating in the first gelato shop
  • Moving to Boston on a one way ticket not knowing a soul, with two duffel bags and an air mattress – where my first night I was befriended by two guys looking for a roommate who let me crash on their sofa… for two weeks (saints I tell you!)
  • Traveling solo to Cairo to visit my best friend that lived there for a year (now HERS is an exciting life – Ashole, Brynn and Meggi: please start blogging), where I was questioned by airport security police who bought my ticket and why I was traveling alone.  Can’t a single girl buy a plane ticket and take a trip these days?!
  • Riding a camel named Moses, with my best friend, around a pyramid, guided by an Egyptian man named Mohammed, on a donkey called Charlie Brown (can’t make this stuff up)
  • Hiking Mt. Sinai by moonlight and watching the sun rise over the desert from the top of the mountain
  • Roadtrips.  Ironically enough the book involves roadtrips, but I guarantee mine were way more fun.
  • Tp’ing the wrong house – cops/ambulances/pepper spray… a story for another day.

The smaller, but equally (if not more) awesome ones that might go unnoticed are as follows:

  • Laying on the Skyline HS football field and watching the meteor shower of a LIFETIME – we witnessed hundreds of stars fly from one end of the sky to the other.  I still have yet to see anything that compares to that
  • Mentoring 20+ high school students in So. Cal from The Valley (literally where the term “Valley Girl” originated) where we spent an entire summer on our razor scooters…
  • Sitting on a porch in Montana and watching storms roll in over the mountains
  • Going to work at my firm’s office in Times Square – where I was put up at the Hilton… in Times Square.  BALLER!!! (I still get nervous when I come into the office and my badge doesn’t work on the first try – have they figured out I don’t belong yet?!?!)
  • Camping at Crater Lake, Oregon
  • 4th of July (favorite holiday) in Boston (favorite city) scootering (favorite past time) down Storrow Drive (favorite stretch of “highway”) to go see Neil Diamond (favorite singer/songwriter) for free (I’m cheap).  BEST. DAY. EVER.
  • My first job out of college working on the financial statements of people ranked on the Forbes Top 500 richest people in the world.  Horrendous work environment.  Lots of life lessons.  At one point had Tom Brady’s cell number (had = stole from my client’s lunch appointment schedule)
  • Catching my first fish with my grandfather (circa 1991) and keeping it alive in a sandwich sized Ziploc bag for 4 days while feeding it only one worm.
  • Moving: San Diego – Seattle (’96).  Seattle – Abilene, TX (’04 – relive the trip here).   Abilene, TX – Thousand Oaks, CA (’08).  Thousand Oaks, CA – Frisco, TX (’08).  Frisco, TX – Boston (’08).
  • Playing volleyball year-round on a national team in high school (technically international if you count that one 3 hour drive to Canada.. haha)
  • Keeping pace with a crew of dolphins while walking on the beach in Malibu at sunset.
  • Canoeing in Lake Tahoe and jumping overboard thinking we were in shallow water because I could see the bottom… then looking and realizing the bottom was in actuality 20-30ft down.  The water is THAT clear.
  • Living in view of Mount Rainier… where we’ve learned that it is the last place the sun sets in the contiguous 48 states… and that when you ride a ferry, the numbers of the lanes are painted very large on the lanes themselves 😉
  • Spending Thanksgiving Day next to the Mayflower eating turkey sandwiches and drinking sparkling cider from a brown paper bag.
  • Everyday, communicating with our staff in India.  Yes, that is a huge adventure… and if you don’t think so, come shadow me for an afternoon.

So to someone that tells me that I don’t understand “adventure” … I do – that’s a noninclusive, bulleted list which doesn’t even include all the stories that go along with the adventures themselves.  And ya know what… not a single one of those adventures involved “sex, drugs, and jazz” – go figure.

I could write a laundry list of people in my life that have done the most awesome/adventurous things… I gaurantee it will be better than anything I have written about up there.  The truth of the matter is.. we’ve ALL done some pretty awesome things.  You’re probably reading my list thinking to yourself… my life is WAY cooler than that – well GOOD!  I expect nothing less of you and it 100% doesn’t surprise me 🙂  Please put your list together and send it to me!! I’m always in need of some more adventure in my life and you just might be my inspiration… more so than that book ever could be.

If I’ve learned anything about “adventure,” I’ve learned that there are seasons of it, you can create your own, sometimes it’s best alone but most of the time it’s best when shared with close friends (or even strangers!), and if you’re lucky you can even find adventure in your daily routine. Having adventure just takes a little faith in knowing that there is “Someone” out there with a plan and a desire for you to live your life as an adventure(r).  Ask me about that – I’d love to share.