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Unibrow. Sugar. Fart.

3 Jan

One of my biggest fears in life is having my old, close, dear friends meet the new awesome people in my life… the reason being, I have a number of stories (read: really embarrassing moments) that I have conveniently chosen to forget, that my friends remember for a lifetime and bring up when I’m trying to disguise myself as someone that is socially normal.  This is one of those stories, and these are the girls that have it:

melalashley

The four of us lived together our junior year of college in a house we called The Mullet.. business in front, party in back.  I want to go ahead and tell one of these stories on myself before you have the opportunity to meet them.

The Mullet

The Mullet

It was the fall semester of our junior year and our ‘sorority’ (for lack of a better word) social was coming up; the theme was “All Things Yellow”  and I decided that Bert and Ernie was a cute costume idea… I’d be Bert (because he’s yellow) and my date would be Ernie.  The real reason I wanted to be Bert was because he has a siiiiiiiick unibrow and I’ve always wanted one.  Perfect opportunity to sport a uni!! (Who am I?)

the final product... cute, right?!?!

the final product… cute, right?!?!

A few nights before the social I had a random night off (rarely happens in college) and all my roommates were out of the house (also rarely happens in college).  My thought process went something like this:  I’m bored.  I don’t want to study.  Social is in two days.  Maybe I should get a costume together.  Do I still have that turtleneck?  Hey!  Unibrow!  I need to practice my unibrow!

……………………………………?

Because everyone knows you can’t just wing a unibrow… it’s got to be perfect (?????)

………………………………………………………….?

I pulled out some eyeliner and mascara and had at it.  The more time that passed, the more focused I became with perfection.  The less I realized what exactly I was doing.  The bigger the rectangular colored in black brick was getting on my forehead.  Aleisha came home and I popped out of my room to see what she was up to.

Before she could so much as get a word out, she fell on the ground pointing and laughing.  I didn’t realize that she hadn’t been with me for the completely logical thought process that resulted in me putting a unibrow on my face.  I chuckled along nervously but she Could. Not. Stop. Laughing. It was in that moment that I realized that investing 30+ minutes to practice drawing a unibrow on your face is weird.

We started joking around and decided we couldn’t let a good unibrow go to waste… we needed to let this thing out in public!  Aleisha mentioned I should go ask the neighbors for a cup of sugar because we ran out when we were making our hypothetical sugar cookies.  Perfect!  The only problem was, most of our neighbors were families and it was pretty late so we didn’t want to disturb them.  Oh except the upper classmen/hot guy fraternity guys that lived across the street.  Target acquired!! (wtf, self???)

We marched ourselves over there giggling at the thought of their reaction to their new unibrow neighbor.  HotGuy1 answered the door and quite literally jumped back at the sight of my face.  It was priceless… I kept a straight face and managed to talk this poor guy’s ear off all while he tried to avoid eye[brow] contact.  He invited me into the house and walked me to the kitchen.  Leish waited for me outside… after all, the joke was pretty much over and this shouldn’t take too long… right?

He pointed in the general direction of the cabinet where they kept their sugar and without stopping kept up his pace, headed out of the kitchen and to the back of the house without so much as saying bye.  I rummaged in the cupboard when HotGuy2 came to the kitchen.  I turned around to say hi and he had the same gut-wrench-jump-back reaction.  How am I just so hilarious?!

I kept him in conversation as long as I could while his eyes darted around the room.  I maintained a straight face the entire time and even added lots of expression to my words just for the sake of using my eyebrows more in conversation.  I couldn’t take it anymore.. this poor guy… I finally gave him an out and decided it was time to leave.  When the unexpected happened.

I farted.

LOUDLY.

The loudest fart I have ever farted in my liiiiiiiiiiiiife.

It was not the kind of fart that you can blame on a chair scootching across the floor.  Or whose sound can be masked by the slam of a car door or a loud cough.  This was a bellowing, sound altering, mind blowing fart.  It’s one thing to intentionally embarrass yourself with a unibrow.  It is quite another to be taken back by an unexpected fart-boom.  What may have made it even worse was the fact that my response was to just turn and run.  As fast as I could.

As I bombed through the dining room, the kitchen, out the door and past Leish who had been waiting patiently in the driveway, I used everything I had learned from my 7th grade hurdle coach…  head up, knees up, toes up, hands flexed… bring it, [someone that runs really fast]!!  I had an undeniable look of muderous determination to get myself into The Mullet.

Leish could do nothing but run behind me asking “What happened?!?!  hahahahaha Wait why are we running?!?!  What happened?!?!?! haaaahahahaha Sarah???  Why are we running?!?!”  There was nothing that could be said or done to break the concentration I had harnessed to get into that house.  We ran inside, slammed and locked the door behind us and I told her the whole story.

To this day, it is one of the more memorable Mullet stories (and trust me… there are A LOT).  So before they have the chance to throw me under the bus… that is what happened the night of the unibrow sugar fart.

And now some cute pictures of the four of us so we can reminisce about the ol’ college days ❤

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The Boston Marathon: A Race to Heaven!

19 Apr

In my last post I told you about how I got to check speed dating off my bucket list.  WAHOO.  I’ll tell you what’s not on my bucket list – running a marathon.  Unlike every other 25 year old something out there… I have literally never had this desire.  Oh well.  I do however love supporting people that run marathons and have (on more than one occasion  stood at various mile markers at various marathons that my friends have run with bottles of orange Gatorade, energy packs and Milky Way bars to pass on to them during their race.  Marathons are fun!

As most of the world is aware, the marathon of ALL marathons was this week – THE BOSTON MARATHON!!!! (In case the all caps and string of exclamation points didn’t give it away… I looooooooove the Boston Marathon!)  This was my fourth year experiencing the race first hand and every year I cry at least one point watching the runners go by.  Ok, I know I can get emotional about goofy things (4th of July, Battle of Lexington and Concord reenactment, Marley and Me, the homeless kid on Korea’s Got Talent, etc.) but I feel like this one is legitimate!  Watching people struggle in pursuit of fulfilling a life goal?  Seeing the dedication on their faces to finish something that has taken months (if not years) of  intense training?  Don’t even get me started on the military men and women that do it in all their gear… U.S.A!! U.S.A!!  I think the real reason I get emotional about this marathon in particular is because I feel like I get to witness a little piece of Heaven here on earth 🙂

Hebrews  12:1-3 says:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Watching the runners of the Boston Marathon provides us with such a great representation of our various walks (or runs) of faith – I’ve seen runners wearing tutu’s and gorilla costumes bouncing down Beacon Street at mile 23 like it’s nothing!  I’ve seen runners go by waving their arms up and down to rally the crowd for even louder cheers.  I’ve seen runners struggle to lift their feet another step.  I’ve seen the man who pushes his son in the wheelchair.  I’ve seen runners set world records.  I’ve seen injuries.  Really bad injuries.  I’ve seen people desperate for water.  And all I can do is cheer them on.

In the race we call life (cue soap opera narrative voice here), I can identify various points in my faith where I was rallying the crowd, or using all my strength to help someone else towards the finish line, or struggled to take just one more step, or desperate for water, or even waddling around in a tutu with a big smile on my face.

What really sets the Boston Marathon apart for me is the masses that come to cheer on the runners.  The entire city shuts down to show its support and there is not a single spot on either side of the 26.2 miles that is left empty; everyone in the city of Boston (and then some!) are out supporting the 22 THOUSAND + runners and it’s just one huge party!

When I think of the Kingdom of Heaven, I see the streets of Boston lined with thousands upon thousands of spectators and think of the cloud of witnesses that the author of Hebrew mentions.   All the angels in Heaven and those that have gone on before us line the entire path of our faith journey, cheering us on every step of the way as we run our race; they want nothing more than for us to cross the finish line and join them in the cheering squad, worshiping the Creator.  I think about the times when we grow weary and lose heart, and somehow we make it through to the next day (and the next and the next).  I think about  how we look forward in hope of the eternal joy that cannot be taken away from us.  But most of all, I think of never having to be separated from God, all thanks to The One who has run before us.

To the runners of the Boston Marathon – you are incredible.  If you’d like to put in a request for an orange Gatorade or a Milky Way, let me know and I will be there for ya next year!

To the rest of yous guys – be encouraged that all of Heaven is lining the full 26.2 miles of our lives cheering and anxiously waiting for us to finish our race.  We are pressing on towards the goal of eternal life.  Now let’s get some more runners, shall we?!

(That was figurative.  Still no desire to run a marathon 😉 just FYI)

Genuis Idea: Fake [student] ID

12 Jan Now THAT is a face that is going to get some discounts!

Notable “Sarah” moments from the week include:

  • The hem of my pants getting caught on a door and the string reaching lengths of 5+ feet before I noticed it trailing behind me as I walked down the hall at work.  Someone literally hopped over it before anyone told me.
  • Talking with a coworker while drinking water from a straw and spewing on said coworker (this was immediately after the pants incident, mind you). 

    RIP favorite umbrella - I will miss sporting you with my plaid jacket

  • Closing my umbrella and all the metal innards (?) snappingin half.  Is that normal?? This of course gave the guy standing next to me a great conversation starter as I pouted and put my favorite umbrella in the trashcan 😦
  • Accidentally touching an intern’s butt in a crowded elevator while trying to put my hand in my coat pocket – he was mortified, poor thing… I just stared straight ahead and avoided eye contact.  Needless to say, I have not been asked to be a recruiter for the firm.  Weird.
  • An old man in the sandwich line at Viga struck up a conversation with me insisting that they put the “lunch specials” sign out there juuuuust for me.  He continued this conversation the entire time I was in line… my teeth dried out from the extensive smile/nod motion I had to do. 

And it’s only Thursday. 

Let’s talk about my age, shall we?  I’m 25.  If you ask anyone on the street how old I look, you will average 17-20… .don’t worry, we have field research that supports this statistic.   Not only is a bit of a blow to the ego, but looking like you’re under 21 becomes extremely inconvenient/embarrassing for a number of reasons. 

I remember I was two weeks away from graduating from my university, walking through the campus center and an enormous group of high schoolers on a tour walked by.  One of the admissions counselors came up to me after the group went into the cafeteria, put her hand on my lower back and said “The group is going to lunch, why don’t you go ahead and make your way over there.”  Embarrassing.

After graduating from college, people would find out I had just graduated and say “Oh that’s so great!  Where are you going to school?”  No no… graduated FROM college.  Embarrassing.

I get carded at Rated R movies.  Every time.  Literally.  Embarrassing.

When I was 23 I decided to take an extended weekend trip down to Orlando for a much needed vacation after tax season.  I was 23 and was assigned to the exit row of the plane.  The guy at the gate, who was roughly my age, in ‘kindergarten speak’ asked how old I was.  NATURALLY I thought he was so enamored by my beauty that he was hitting on me… nope… he was complying with FDA regulations ensuring that all persons seated in the exit row were older than age 15.  I went to the airport bar and ordered a beer just for the sake of maintaining my sanity.

Boston is super strict about fake id’s and out of state id’s are a huge target.  [Thank YOU Texas for having next to no holograms on your ID’s]  I have had to pull out multiple forms of identification (INCLUDING MY PASSPORT) just to get into restaurants after 8p.  Embarrassing.

There are however benefits to looking young – STUDENT DISCOUNTS!  I get them allllllllll the time, whether offered or requested and there are few things that bring me more joy than this… I’m cheap, remember??  So for this reason, I carry around my ACU student ID with my picture from 7 years ago to get discounts. 

Did you know you can get the matinée price at a movie theater with a student id??  10% off at Banana Republic?? (not the outlet though)  Discounted gym memberships?? Lunch specials at pretty much every place in the city??  Museums??? Shows??  Yeah seriously, it’s a great deal.

In high school the big thing is having a fake ID to buy booze, and kids will spend hundreds of dollars to get a decent one… real cool (sarcasm).  How much do you think working professionals would pay to get a fake college id for these deals!?  I think there’s a huge market here!!!  I wouldn’t even have to mess with holograms!!  And if you look old… well, then you can just be a grad student 🙂 I’m going to put together a business plan and have you guys review it for me.

With that, I leave you with the little gem that cost (and continues to cost) me thousands and thousands of dollars, but for the past seven years has saved me hundreds 🙂 my student id:

Now THAT is a face that is going to get some discounts!

Top Ten Moments in the History of (my experience with) Boston Sports!

19 Sep

This morning I got on the T and looked out the window only to see three Storm Troopers.  The Storm Troopers were in fact lamp posts.  I need more sleep.

Back to reality… my most recent life accomplishment:  I have gone to games for all of the professional sports teams in Boston!!!!  It is an amazing feeling 🙂 Walk with me as we take a look at the journey…

It all started in October of 2008 when the Sox were in the playoffs.  I had arrived in Boston two weeks prior and was trying to get a feel for what it was going to be like living in this city… by that, I mean will the blisters on my feet ever heal from walking everywhere in heels???  Do people in this city every stop drinking??  Are Boston sports fans really that intense?  What is wrong with these people pronouncing their R’s?? (Yes. No. Yes.  No one will ever know)  I would walk home and every living room and/or bar was filled with people decked out in Sox gear cheering/awww’ing after every pitch.  It was pretty cool to see, but I wasn’t totally sold on the idea of “Red Sox Nation”

The Sox were knocked out of the playoffs that year, which focused the attention of the city onto the Celtics.  OOOHHHHHHH the Celtics.  I went to my first game in November ’08 with my brother while he was in town visiting for Thanksgiving.  Although neither of us were fans of basketball (at all), we are both pretty big sports fans that enjoy attending (most) sporting events.  After a hilarious attempt at scalping, we managed to get tickets on the third level… my life was changed that night.  I had been to a Mavs game and college and found in horrendously boring (personal apologies to Brenna and Beth, but seriously… what venue plays music WHILE the game is going on?!)  Based on that one and only experience with the NBA, it’s safe to say that my expectations for a Celtics home game was extremely low.  Until that crew walked out on the court…  Ray Ray.  Eddie House.  Scal.  KG.  Big Baby.  ROOONDOOOOOOO!!!!  The crowd went nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuts.  DJ and I literally looked at each other and busted out laughing at how ridiculous this crowd was!  An entire stadium of green, prompted by a noise-0-meter on the big screen gauging the noise as “wicked loud” made for a true Boston sports experience.  We went on to watch and AMAZING game, see the most insanely Boston-esque people on the big screen, and danced alongside Gino when prompted.  That season I went to 10+ games and absolutely fell in love with the team.  Specifically Rajon Rondo and of course Scalabrine.

First game - November 2008

Most recent game - Playoffs 2011!

Fast forward to 2009 and to what has now become my favorite week of the year… the first week in April: NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs and opening day at Fenway.  Not a lot of cities get to experience this!!  It’s a great time in the city 🙂  So the first April I lived here, a couple of my girlfriends and I got tickets for Game 2 to the Sox game… didn’t waste any time!  I walked in the stadium and immediately felt a flood come over me… this stadium is 97 YEARS OLD!  I walked up the ramp to head towards my bleacher seat, and as I stood at the base of the stadium in center field under the lights, I literally got teary eyed.  The game was absolutely FREEZING, but sitting next to a group of men that were construction workers by day and hockey refs by night… it was well worth it.  That coupled with an entire stadium of people singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ could not have made for a better Fenway experience.  I can’t even count how many games I’ve gone to since 🙂

Bruins.  Stanley Cup champs… word.  I’m proud to say my first Bruins game was this season against their long-time rivals the Toronto Maple Leafs.  Again, it was awesome.  We witnessed some brutal fights and of course some crazy fans… I had a BLAST!  I would have gone sooner but 1. tickets are pretty pricey 2. I don’t really know anything about hockey and 3. I honestly feel guilt taking a seat in the arena when some kid is probably crying at home because the game was sold out.  I love it and appreciate the sport sooooooo much but will prob just stick to making sure I know the score of the game for office conversation.

Pats.  Not going to lie, I did laugh after the 2008 Superbowl went the Pats ended their season at 18-1.  Please forgive me Tom.  Yesterday I went to my first Pats game.. and my first NFL game since high school.  I completely forgot how much fun it is!  I’ve always loved watching football and would make sure to catch highlights on ESPN, but never really followed.  But yesterday was a great game, great fans, great (and extremely attractive) quarterback who I hope to see walking around Back Bay at some point in my life… maybe invite him out for coffee, who knows.  Congrats on 517 😉

I’ve even been to a Revolution soccer game, but soccer.  Meh.  After the Revolution game they had two Mexican teams play… and I got way more into that!!  Green vs. Yellow is all I remember… and laughing hysterically at the amazing homemade noise makers the fans brought to the game!!  Team Tractor!

Before I move onto my top ten list.. I feel the need to clarify that I am, and always will be an Astros fan.  Always.  And also that I feel completely ok with going to games and being excited about Boston sports… I love this city and I love its passion for their teams!  What other city will boo their own team when they make a mistake… it’s tough love, and I love it.  I will however claim to be a Celtics fan… I never even liked bball before and the Celtics/fans single-handedly made me a true lover of basketball.

My brother, in his sports wisdom, has created a rule that I have adopted with regards to calling the hometown team your  hometown team: you have to spend at least one full season in the city before you can call it your team.  Welp… 3 years later I will proudly say that Boston has become the city of my home teams 🙂 Does that mean I claim to know all the stats of every player?  Absolutely not.  Does it mean I get to participate in the successes and groanings of the city?  Absolutely yes.  Are we good now?

So there’s the timeline and my soapbox… now onto my top-ten list of favorite Sarah-in-Boston sports highlights:

10. Bruins Fight – these guys were straight up BOXING on the ice for at least two minutes.. and it happened to be the first game some crazy important MapleLeaf’s player was back after being knocked out by a Bruins player.  INTENSE.  I literally hid behind Chuck because it scared me to watch… from the third level…

9. Box Seats – I’ve gotten to go to a few Celtics games in the box seats through my old firm I worked for… AMAZING.   Since working at my current firm, I have gone to one Sox game in the box… looking forward to more of those!!

8. Sox/Yankees game – my first Sox/Yankees game also happened to be my first game at Fenway.  As I walked in the stadium before the game started, before I even got to my seats… two police officers were escorting a man out of the park that decked out in Yankees gear, stammering drunk saying ‘i didn’t start it.  i swear i didn’t start it’ … you wore Yankees gear in Fenway.  You started it.  The entire game was spent chanting “Yankees Suck!  Yankees Suck!”  Crude, but hilarious.

7. Celtics Playoffs – also my first experience at a playoff game EVER!  SOOOOOOO MUUUUUCH FUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!  We didn’t make it out of the series, but I got to go to the first home game and we won… so I’ll take it 🙂

6. Tom Brady’s Phone Number – the firm I used to work for was a private wealth management firm and all of the clients we had were ranked on the Forbes’ Top 500 Richest People in the World.  That said, they have some pull with the Boston sports teams to say the least, and I may or may not have happened to snag Tom Brady’s cell number off of one of their appointment books… hahaha I had it on a post-it note on my fridge for a while, but decided to remove it for fear of losing my job.  But I can say at one point in my life I did in fact have his number 😉  Lookout Jazelle

5. Gino (pronounced: gee-no) – I have no idea where this guy came from, or why he’s shown on the big screen at the Garden, but he is hilarious and makes Celtics fans go nuts.  Mad love to Gino.

4. Nomar Jersey – I went on a date with this guy I had been out with just a handful of times and he took me to a Sox game.  We had both come straight from work, so looked a little ridiculous in our business attire, but were excited for the game.  He was a Boston local and since they were playing the A’s that night… he was also apparently excited to see Nomar Garciaparra… so much so, that he cared his Nomar Sox jersey into the stadium in a plastic grocery sack.  We got to the game early and walked around the stadium when he noticed Nomar was near the dugout signing autographs.  Without any explanation, he said “I’ll be right back” and started hopping over chairs and pushing innocent children out of the way… for Nomar’s autograph.  When he got the autograph, he proudly turned around and waved the jersey at me, looking much like the 10 year old that was standing next to him, except in business clothes.  Classic moment.  I learned how to say “Hit a homah Nomah!!” that night!

3. Ice-Cream at the Pats Game – at the Pats game yesterday, Mark decided to get an ice-cream cone, because what 30 year old guy doesn’t get an ice cream cone at the game…?? We were sitting on a row of intense, very large, very manly Pats fans that we could hardly understand through their accents… as Mark excused himself past these gruff men with his ice cream, they heckle him.  The man on the end of the row literally stood up and shouted “Ice Cream?! Where does this guy think he is… a Sox game?!?!”  laughter ensued.

2. Ray Allen at The W – we were out for my friend Megan’s bday (within a week of Ray Allen breaking the all-time three point record, mind you) and who walks in but Ray Allen.  I was less than 10ft away from him and his body guard, standing between two of my guy friends.  I look over, make eye contact with Ray Ray and for SOME REASON STARTED DOING THE PUNCHING BAG FIST PUMP… all the while chanting WHOO!! WHOO!!! WHOO!! WHOO!!!!  Ray Allen was unimpressed and  immediately taken away by his body guards.  I guess normal people would casually approach and ask for an autograph, but me?  Excitement could not be contained.  Thus the speed bag fist pump.

1. Sweet Caroline – my number one all-time favorite Boston sports moment.  Thankfully I can experience it as much as I want.  When I lived within walking distance of the stadium, I would have the game on in the living room and when the 8th inning started I’d grab Dude and head down to hear the crowd sing it from outside the stadium.  Moments like that make me remember that I’m really here and I really made it.

Your turn!  Top Ten lists are so much fun 🙂