No PreDate Text Should Include the Word ‘Crockpot’

The biggest mistake I’ve ever made is not making this blog anonymous.

That said, I wish I had more freedom to post about dating aspect of my life because it is hiiiiiiiiiighly entertaining and I’m pretty sure the readership would allow me to quit my day job and blog forever.   Plus you readers seem to enjoy it!  Out of respect for all parties involved, I’m a 9-5er (ahem 8-6er) and sit in a cube staring at Excel sheets all day.  

I would however like to highlight some of my more memorable/hilarious/horrendous/wtf dating moments and contribute to the ‘Sh*t [insert group of people here] Say‘ movement on YouTube.  Here’s to hoping that those guys either a) don’t read my blog, and/or b) don’t realize I’m talking about them!  But really… it’s just too ridiculous not to share.

Here we go:

“I’ll let you get this one…” said to me by a guy that had [at one point] piqued my interest as he passive aggressively had me buy tickets to a show that he told me he already purchased tickets for.  I have no problem pitching in and will always (always, always) offer but he didn’t even let me get that far!  Needless to say, that was the only “one.”  Next.

“If you’re looking to ease back into dating… I’m a really easy guy to date” said to me a couple weeks after my breakup of the century.  I wonder how long he sat around thinking of that line, or how many times he’s used it before.  Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

“Yeah – I’ll miss you too.  But I’m kind of more one of those ‘out of sight, out of mind’ people.  So I mean…  I’ll be really excited when you come visit, but other than that it’ll probably not be a huge deal.”  We never went out, but really boys??  I can take a hint but you could have at least lied a little!

“I want to tell you that I like you, but I don’t want to be another Sarah Iverson Statistic”  —  Can someone tell me what that means exactly??

I was out with a group of people very recently and here is a conversation with a guy I had met earlier that night:

Him: Hey!  So I know your ex.  (Of course you do.  Mind you I had never met this guy, I’m in a new city, far away from anyone that would have even known I had an ex.. much less who he was.)

Me: Oh really?  That’s great ((fake smile))

Him: Yeah… he’s a really great guy

Me:  Yup – he is

Him: I’m really sorry about everything that happened. (It’s been over a year)  He really is such a good guy.

—————————- silence —————————————

Him: So would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow?

Me: No thank you.

“I know this is weird, but it feels kind of good to see you hurting — I feel like you are kind of getting a glimpse of what I’ve been going through” — says the guy that apparently had a crush on me for a long time and it was never reciprocated.  This might be why it didn’t work out between us…

“Sweeeeet Caroline!!!!!  I had to do a Google search to see who sang that!” — text from a guy before we went to a Sox game.  He is obviously not the one for me.  Extremely unfortunate, really.

There was a guy that chased me around for a couple months and we eventually went on a date.  Tables turned.. I became interested and he wasn’t.  Not going to lie, I was pretty bummed UNTIL a couple months later a group of us were answering the question “What are the 5 things you are most thankful for?”  #3 for him: “I’m really thankful for my genes.  ((silence)) You know, like genetics…” – Extremely great guy but he has not crossed my mind since.

“OH!  I’ve never seen Dumb and Dumber!” — One of the very few guys I’ve ever asked out, and he is quite possibly the most awesome guy EVER … but youch… that one cut deep.

“So I have a great idea for our first date!  And I hope this isn’t weird, but you’d meet my parents” ……………….. I was busy that evening Still a very very good friend of mine 🙂

Let’s be real though… dating stories go both ways.   Some of the more epic failures on my part:

—“Hey it’s pretty cold out here, I’ll be in Bed Bath and Beyond looking at Crockpots”  The guy was running late and THAT was my text to him.  Let the records show that no predate text should include the word ‘Crockpot’ … or Bed Bath and Beyond for that matter.  Lesson learned.

–I was on a first date with an awesome guy and started talking about being left on the side of the road on the day I thought I was being proposed to.  Then I got teary eyed.  Nothing says ‘let’s do this again sometime!’ better than bringing up your ex.  Probably shouldn’t have been going out on dates at that point…. Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward!

–I tried to use a computer issue I had to flirt via email with the hottest guy I’ve ever known in real life.  I ended my email with ‘It’ll be a Dalmatian Plantation!’ … Because what guy doesn’t love a damsel in distress that can quote 101 Dalmatians?!  (For the record, it was totally relevant and funny because it rhymed with the computer error message that kept popping up on my screen)

—“I just have a lot of baggage right now that you shouldn’t have to deal with… I’d rather you be my copilot than my skycap.”   Yup.  That was my college self.  Totally killed the mood because I couldn’t stop laughing after that, but also proud of how quickly I was able to think on my feet!!  He married the next girl he dated and we are both better off 🙂

Now that I’m living in a new city I’m hoping I can (lovingly) publicize more of these incredibly awkward moments while still maintaining interest from at least SOME guys!  It’s a fine line, really.  In the meantime, my brother did some pretty funny posts about his worst dates… you should check them out!

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #3

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #2

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #1

Anyone care to share horrible dating stories?  You can’t say it’s because you don’t want them to see it… I promise they don’t read my blog.  LET’S HEAR SOME!

I’m the Fat Bridesmaid

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times in my day and I could not be more excited to share in the celebration of the huge milestone.  I am always so so so so sooooo honored to be included, especially since that means I get a free pass on their family vacations for life!!!!! (Still waiting on those family vacay invites, LADIES).  But I’ll be totally honest with you and say that I’m still not really sure why I’m asked to be in the wedding party at all – you’d think that my closest girlfriends of all people would know better than anyone that my unfortunate luck somehow always manages to make completely normal, happy life situations entirely chaotic…. weddings being no exception.

Meet Ashole:

http://www.andrewryanshepherd.com/

Such a beautiful bride!  Remember the story about driving to Nashville for the weekend?  Yeah that’s her… one of my closest and best friends.  The pictures have surfaced on Facebook within the past week or so which leads me to tell you of the time I [almost] ruined her wedding.

Brynn & Sarah

Ok, ok – so “ruined” is a bit of an exaggeration.  Other than using the most explicit words some of those people have ever heard to curse out a mound of fire ants that were biting my feet, pronouncing Ashley’s new last name wrong and so it sounded like a barn animal (all weekend), the pedicurist (?) having to use the special electric tools to saw off my toenub (long story), the other bridesmaids having to go on “Sarah Duty” to keep

Brynn & Sarah

me from knocking over everything within my 5’5″ armspan, starting fake fights with Brynn, Brynn and I referring to Ashley as “bridezilla” in front of all her friends that have never met us, being attacked by bullfrog-locusts, and making a speech at the rehearsal dinner in front of about 75 people where I talked about Ashley’s pit stains, killer AOOOOGAH noise and my hesitations with their relationship… I’d say things were going pretty well!

Ashley is by far the most cool/calm/collected bride I have ever encountered.  From flowers, to guest lists, to decorations, to day of activities, to bridesmaid dresses – there was absolutely nothing that could take away the peace she had in the days’ events.  Leave it to me to test that cool/calm/collected/no stress demeanor.

Bridesmaid dresses are a great example of how laid back she is – we could get any dress we wanted, from any store, in a variety of colors that she had put together in her color palette…so cool, right?!  I did everything I in my power to make sure I was prepared for the big day, and by that I mean – I brought four dresses with me that I thought would coordinate well with the palette.  Some would call that overkill, I call it knowing myself and my tendencies.  Ash was so sweet and said any of them would work, but she loved the one that was two-tone because it tied all the other dresses together and completed the palette.  Done and done.  Highfive, self! Best bridesmaid EVER!

Ash was SO laid back that she didn’t want to decide the standing order of bridesmaids in the ceremony until she saw all the dresses next to each other since they were all different.  This decision happened about 20 minutes before pictures started; we hung all the bridesmaid dresses up next to each other and Ash decided on this:

How cute is Ashole’s style btw??  I love how she pulled this all together 🙂  Oh and you see the two-tone dress second from the right?  That is was mine.

I went ahead and put my dress on so I’d be ready to go in a moment’s notice.  We were all goofing around, listening to Brynn rap, hair was done, make-up perfected… all was right in the world.  A few minutes later as everyone else started getting their dresses on and I noticed that I had a piece of hair that was a bit out of place – I grabbed a bottle of hairspray and one of the 47 curling irons that was laying out to recurl the fallen hair chunk.  As I reached up to curl I heard a

RIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiIIIIiiiiIIIiiIIIiiP.

I froze.  I looked down to see the zipper on my side that had been holding my dress together had bust open.

Like a seven year old who just spilled grape juice on their parents’ new sofa, I tried to hide the situation and fix it myself before anyone noticed.  That’s what any normal 25 year olds would do, right?  This zipper thing was no big deal, right?  This used to happen to my sleeping bags ALL the time… the only difference was that this dress had it out for me.  It took about 27 seconds for my slow, patient, calm attempt at fixing said zipper to progress into violent shaking and an all out brawl: Sarah vs. bridesmaid dress.  Panic set in.  Somehow getting a size 00 when I usually wear a 0 made me 1. feel like a (literally and figuratively) huge idiot and 2. rethink my workout routine.

It became harder and harder to breathe… whether a result of my new found claustrophobia or a dress that was too tight, we may never know.  I was doing everything I could to hold back my tears against the newly formed, Sarah-caused wedding disaster.

I leaned over to Brenna as casually as possible and said “Hey – could you help me out with this?”  while pointing at my ribcage imposed muffin top which was bulging above and below the zipper, mind you.  Rather than the empathy panic which I would have received from anyone else – Brynn started laughing hysterically sending me into more of a panic and also drawing the eyes of everyone in the room.  Secret was out.  Grape juice on the new sofa exposed.  DANGIT.

It was getting harder and harder to fight the tears… leave it to me and my fat ass ribcage to ruin my best friend’s wedding day.  Then it happened… the first tear fell.  All hands flew on deck.  More tears.  My appendages were being thrown in every direction to get a better angle of the zipper and alas… no movement.  Hands were coming through the top of the dress stripping me down to my strapless bra (which I was fighting to keep on amongst the commotion), and more hands up through the bottom of my dress exposing my entire butt along with and extremely inappropriate panties I chose to wear that day.  More tears.

Apparently this was a task for the groom’s 83 year old grandmother.  A couple of the girls went and found her and brought her back to the bridal suite.  Great.  “Please don’t judge my scandalous panties” was all I could think as I stood, arm pinned above my head, booty out, fully exposed as this precious grandmother approached me.  In the most kind and loving voice said “It’s ok sweetie, I’ve worked with zippers for over 30 years.”  My tears stopped – She will save me!  She glanced down and was polite enough not to speak of the distaste she had in my choice of under garments… but something tells me she did not approve because forget the cautious, tedious, warm, loving hands I was expecting from this sweet woman… she tried for .2 seconds, grabbed scissors and CUT ME OUT OF MY DRESS.  That’s not embarrassing.

Thankfully I put on the runner up dress and all was right in the world.  And THIS is why I come prepared… never know when you’re going to have to be cut out of your dress!!  From the pictures, you would have never even known 😉

All in all, a BEAUTIFUL wedding, a gorgeous bride, a loving husband, two of the greatest families I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting… and a crazy awesome huge shoutout to Rosalyn and Erica for all their hard work!!!  LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

::disclaimer:: No weight insecurity interventions, please.  I am completely fine and confident with my body… if I were to sincerely be complaining about busting out of a size 00 I would ask that you would just go ahead and slap me.  Chalk it up as another one of those goofy Sarah stories!

 

Photography by: www.andrewryanshepherd.com

Venue: www.threepointsranch.com

I Went Speed Dating – This is Who I Met

To preface: there was a deal on Living Social, it’s on my bucket-list, I’m 25, and why not!?  The stars aligned, so Catie and I went.

I fully planned on developing some fake accent, or a nervous tic, or a horrible laugh, or a Disney princess persona… but all my hypothetical lives don’t hold a candle to the people I met.

Here are their profiles:

**All images have been borrowed from a Google image search.  Please don’t harass me about copyright blah blah blah – this is me giving credit to them**

Pang – A self-employed Cambodian chiropractor who grew up near Boston.  Like most chiropractors do before going into practice, he was a door-to-door meat salesman.  And I quote, “Yeah, I would knock on doors and say ‘Hey!  You want summa my meat??’ heh heh heh” Sadly I don’t think his life has changed much.  As he said this to me, he maintained a huge all-teeth-grin-face and speed pumped his eyebrows up and down repeatedly.

Steve – The only guy there wearing a suit and tie.  He walked around with a martini in one hand and his cell phone in the other.  He is an attorney that works on bankruptcy cases, but does not work with people because he doesn’t like people.  He hates his life, and he prefers to work than to have hobbies.  His words, not mine.  I honestly have no idea why this guy is single.

Nicoli – oohhhhh Nick.  Somehow think he missed that there was and age cut-off, but he’s Ukrainian and who doesn’t love a fun Ukrainian?!  (Olya – if you read this: I MISS YOU!!!!)  He was great, but definitely wanted to be back at Catie’s table, proven by the fact I think he was staring at her the entire time.  And then cornered her afterwards to get her number.  Get it garl 😉

Scott – another one that missed the age cut-off by a few years.  He decided to use his date time with Catie to go to the bathroom…. and well… that’s really all that I can remember because that’s kind of hilarious.

Sergei – An engineer originally from Russia seeking to pursue a career in photography and take pictures of “beautiful smiling women,” like me (or so he said).  “I want to get in your pants” was written all over his face.  And pants.

Paul – pretty much your typical New England dog walker from Randolph with a broken ankle and lots of food allergies.

Sid – looked like your stereotypical Harvard kid – dark skin, khakis, button down shirt with the top two buttons undone and a blue blazer.  He had swoopy loverboy hair and got his undergrad degree from Columbia, worked a couple of years in venture capital and wait for it…. is now at Harvard Business School (I need to get paid for this).  He was quote: “drawn” to me, by my drink of choice… which the bartender happened to throw in my hands and I did not in fact choose for myself.  P.s. how did he know what I ordered?  Creeper.

Lucas – Poor guy was soooooooooo nervous.  His plan to use the preset conversation starter cards as a crutch for his nerves quickly backfired when he reached for one and soon realized unlike the cards on the other tables… mine happened to all be extremely inappropriate.  I’m pretty sure neither one of us even knew what the questions even meant, much less wanted to know what an answer to the questions could be.  Lucky for him, I can think of about 3285474320 things to talk about off the top of my head, so I made sure to encourage him to keep talking.  Nice guy.

Ricardo – definitely the easiest guy of the bunch to talk to.  He sat down and said “You have this coooooooool vibe going on. What is it?  You must be from the west coast.”  Why yes, yes I am.  Made me happy.

Nus (pronounced Noose) which is a good way to explain it because he made me want to hang myself.  The first thing he said to me was… “I’m feelin’ your vibe, but do your earrings match your necklace??” I think it was supposed to be a callout?  I spent the entire ‘date’ trying to decipher his slang and not be distracted by his Shooter McGavin pointing.  As I was leaving he said “Hey – so you think you made it in my Top 5??”  I guess I will never know.

Sean (looked a lot like someone I know who is actually named Sean! Sorry Sean for stealing one of your profile pics…) – Speed Dating Sean was pretty normal, but he kept wiping his nose.  I’ve been sick and Catie told me I shouldn’t wipe my nose because everyone is going to think I’m a drug user.  Naturally.  I was so self-conscious and refused to wipe my nose the entire night that when this guy did it every 3.7 seconds I was 1. a little jealous and 2. thinking he was a drug user.  Thanks Catie.

Omar.  The best for last, for real.  He was my fave.  As he walked up to my table the first words out of his mouth were “I cry a lot.”  I think he was the only guy there that was actually joking around and creating hypothetical life.  In fact I’m pretty sure our entire conversation was made up.. and it was hilarious.  For some reason though, I totally believe that his dad’s arm was amputated due to an injury from working in a sheet metal factory, which inspired him to become a biotech engineer for prosthetic limbs.  Hmmmm.

After all was said and done I turned in a blank “match card,” which let’s be real – is anyone surprised??  The woman followed Catie and I out the door – I forgot what she had to ask Catie, but she was shocked when she asked if I meant to turn in a blank card and I said yes.  Has that not ever happened before??  Definitely a good time.  Definitely exhausting.  And we were deeeeefinitely excited to meet up with our actual friends at a bar afterwards and recap our speed dating experience 🙂

Chalk it up to another notch of my bucket-list belt!  Next one: Opening Day at Fenway – happening Friday… WHADDUP

My Awkward Life: Eastlake High School Prom

Let the records show that my senior prom was in 2004.  My gosh I feel old.  That year I ended up going to a four proms because I had a number of friends outside my high school and I was the absolute least threatening ‘friend date’ known to man… or high school guys at least.  My prom date from my favorite prom (Wenatchee High School, WHADDUP!?) recently got in touch with me via Facebook and it was so great to catch up with him; he also prompted this blog post – Thanks Ryan!

::Disclaimer:: All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

To start the story of my high school prom, I should go ahead and share with you that I was the backup date for three guys.  You heard me, backup date.  x3.  Two of the guys weren’t as explicit in their request, but one of my guy friends, [Adam] (who was in fact ‘cool’ and who I may have had a small crush on) quite literally said “Hey Sarah, I really want to ask [Jane] to prom but I’m afraid she’s not going to say yes… if she doesn’t, will you go with me?”  The worst part was I said “Yeah of course! That’d be fun!”  Seriously?? Wtf, self?!

A few weeks later I was sitting next to [Adam] in class; prom was now two weeks away so I asked him if there was any progress with [Jane].  In my alternate reality she turned him down which caused him to realize his undying love for me and as he stared intently into my deep blue eyes and my perfectly airbrushed face whilst my long, flowing hair was being blown back by a light breeze, he said “[Jane] who?” Back to reality: he opened his binder to search for his homework assignment as I shifted nervously in my athletic pants and unisex tshirt he said “Oh! Yeah! Sorry!  I forgot to tell you!! She said yes!  Isn’t that great?!” 

You probably think I’m watching some bad form of Princess Diaries and just writing out the plot for the sake of having another blog post, but alas… this really happened.  And don’t worry.  It gets worse.

Later that day I was in my accounting class with Ms. [Friar]; she was an older woman and would do anything she could to be a part of her students’ lives.  Ms. [Friar] started class that day with: “Who all is going to prom!??!  Raise your hand!”  There were only about ten of us in this class and I was in there with two of [Adam]’s close friends, who also happened to be friends of mine.  This could get awkward.  Nine of the ten students raised their hands.  Who was the lone tenth with their hand resting quietly in their lap?  This girl.  I may or may not have scratched my right eyebrow just so my hand would make a movement in a general upward direction.  Irrelevant.

She continued by saying “OOHHHHH this is so fun!  Ok.  Let’s go around the room and I want to hear who you’re going with.”  She quite obviously misinterpreted my eyebrow scratch.  She started on my side of the room – Brian said his date, Nick said his date, and then there was me… third in line against the firing squad.  I tried to say “I don’t think I’m going” as confidently and nonchalantly as possible, but that was all ruined when Ms. [Friar]’s jaw dropped in response to my statement.  It’s always awkward in high school when teachers try and tell you how great you are… which in reality just reiterates the fact that you’re most certainly not cool.  So don’t worry, she went on a rant in front of the class, inspired by my lack of prom date, how high school boys need to wisen up and start opening their eyes blaaaah blllah blah. Thanks Ms. [Friar] – I’ll make sure and let them know. 

Sadly this was just kind of a normal day in my awkward high school life, so it didn’t really phase me.  When the day was over, I was boppin’ out the door to head home when [Kevin] caught up to me.  He was cute, we had had a few classes together and had mutual friends but had never really hung out.  He said “Hey! I hear you don’t have a date to prom, do you want to go with me??”  Wait… so this isn’t a request for a backup date, right?  This is an actual ask??  I didn’t want to be excited because I thought that I didn’t care… but turns out when he asked me, I was definitely excited.  I said “Yeah, that’d be a lot of fun!”  So we worked out our plans for prom. 

Before you go thinking that this is the end of the story, let me remind you that this is my life we’re talking about here.  It gets worse.

When one of my friends asked me who I was going to prom with and I enthusiastically said [Kevin]!  Their response was… oh really?  I heard he was going with [Kristin].  Don’t worry, he was.  

I was in fact asked by [Roger]… his identical twin.  I must have been lost in the excitement of actually being asked to my own prom that I forgot to look at which side of the face his freckle was on, go figure.  I’m pretty sure that in our graduating class of 500+, I was the only one that couldn’t tell those two apart.  Oh and don’t worry, it gets worse.

Come to find out, the reason [Kevin] [Roger] had asked me was because Ms. [Friar] announced to the rest of her classes that day that Sarah Iverson (me) did not have a date to her senior prom.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she held everyone hostage until someone agreed to take me, because that’s just the kind of teacher she was…

Funny sidenote: [Kevin] and [Roger] were not just identical twins… they were identical BREAKDANCING twins.  You know you’re jealous 😉  My senior prom was most definitely a good time; everything truly did work out in the end and [Roger] was an excellent date, but my gosh… can we just recap the story here? 

• Backup x3. 
• “Raise your hand and say who your date is.”
• Teacher rant, inspired by my lack of date. 
• Asked out, not knowing who it was via face freckle.
• Asked out because of a pity speech from my accounting teacher.
• Breakdancing.

If you have an awkward hs prom story PLEASE let me know, I’d really love to hear it, especially after sharing this with the world!

Is anyone here a doctor?? I HAVE A BANANA

Sarah Moment:

The D Line was completely packed this morning on my way into the office… we’re talking shoulder to shoulder, hair sniffing, accidental butt grazing, can’t even get my phone out of my pocket to read the news kind of morning.  As we pulled away from the Longwood Medical stop there were murmurs going around – “we need to stop this train” – “are you ok??” – “she just fainted, stop the train someone just fainted” – “driver we need medical attention back here.”  Once the murmurs turned into yells and made it up to the driver, we were at the Fenway stop and the driver stopped the car; people cleared out to give the poor girl some room.   The girl had in fact fainted and so a couple of innocent T-standers helped her to a seat and took off her coat and scarf to get her some fresh air.

Remember how I mentioned we had just left the Longwood Medical T stop?  Well every other person on board happened to be a doctor, and every doctor came out of every crevice stating what type of doctor they were, and if you don’t mind me stereotyping doctors for a minute… doctors are cocky jerks.

It became a battle among heroes as to who was going to get to save the fainting girl.  Was it the psychiatric therapist who got three inches from the girl’s face and asked her no less than six times if she was diabetic to which each time she responded with a clear as day NO?  The physician who diagnosed her as having some kind of seizure?  The sweet nurse who handed her a bottle of water and asked her age?  The orthopedic surgeon in the poofy vest?  Finally, a doctor who had yet to reveal what type of doctor he was (go figure) asked if she had eaten anything yet this morning.  Nope.  HERO!  So what do I do amongst the chaos hearing that she hasn’t eaten yet??  I reach down, grab the banana I have in my work bag, enthusiastically pop straight up from the middle of the T crowd, power thrust my banana into the air like a triton and yell“I HAVE A BANANA!” 

This is kind of what it looked like... on an unrelated note, has anyone ever heard of Banana Man? Me either until I wrote this and was looking for a picture...

Because that’s normal.

I looked around and realized my banana was no use.  Every doctor that wasn’t diagnosing her with some rare form of cancer after her fainting episode was shaking their head at me.  The banana is still in the air.  How do I discretely lower my banana without hitting someone in the face?  Is there a way I can do a drug-deal-banana-slide to this girl?  Does anyone else notice the holy beams of heavenly light shining down on my banana right now?  My arm sat in the air for a solid 15 seconds until I heard someone say “Sarah???”  Of course. 

Someone I work with happened to be on the T and witnessed the entire banana incident.  Out of respect for the fainting girl, my coworker didn’t find it appropriate to make fun of me right then and there, but waited until we got off the T and then reenacted my holy banana moment for me, in case I missed how awkward I was.

The important thing is: fainting girl is totally fine.  Once she sat down and had some water, she was just embarrassed more than anything… so naturally getting in her face and asking what drugs she is allergic to was the right thing to do….  glad she’s ok.  Wish she would have eaten my banana.  Guess we’ll never know who the hero is in this story.  From now on I am going to wear a spandex shirt with a bedazzled S on it under all of my outfits so that if I’m ever put in a situation like this again, I can tear off my outer layer and every doctor in the place will take me and my banana seriously.