No PreDate Text Should Include the Word ‘Crockpot’

8 Aug

The biggest mistake I’ve ever made is not making this blog anonymous.

That said, I wish I had more freedom to post about dating aspect of my life because it is hiiiiiiiiiighly entertaining and I’m pretty sure the readership would allow me to quit my day job and blog forever.   Plus you readers seem to enjoy it!  Out of respect for all parties involved, I’m a 9-5er (ahem 8-6er) and sit in a cube staring at Excel sheets all day.  

I would however like to highlight some of my more memorable/hilarious/horrendous/wtf dating moments and contribute to the ‘Sh*t [insert group of people here] Say‘ movement on YouTube.  Here’s to hoping that those guys either a) don’t read my blog, and/or b) don’t realize I’m talking about them!  But really… it’s just too ridiculous not to share.

Here we go:

“I’ll let you get this one…” said to me by a guy that had [at one point] piqued my interest as he passive aggressively had me buy tickets to a show that he told me he already purchased tickets for.  I have no problem pitching in and will always (always, always) offer but he didn’t even let me get that far!  Needless to say, that was the only “one.”  Next.

“If you’re looking to ease back into dating… I’m a really easy guy to date” said to me a couple weeks after my breakup of the century.  I wonder how long he sat around thinking of that line, or how many times he’s used it before.  Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

“Yeah – I’ll miss you too.  But I’m kind of more one of those ‘out of sight, out of mind’ people.  So I mean…  I’ll be really excited when you come visit, but other than that it’ll probably not be a huge deal.”  We never went out, but really boys??  I can take a hint but you could have at least lied a little!

“I want to tell you that I like you, but I don’t want to be another Sarah Iverson Statistic”  —  Can someone tell me what that means exactly??

I was out with a group of people very recently and here is a conversation with a guy I had met earlier that night:

Him: Hey!  So I know your ex.  (Of course you do.  Mind you I had never met this guy, I’m in a new city, far away from anyone that would have even known I had an ex.. much less who he was.)

Me: Oh really?  That’s great ((fake smile))

Him: Yeah… he’s a really great guy

Me:  Yup – he is

Him: I’m really sorry about everything that happened. (It’s been over a year)  He really is such a good guy.

—————————- silence —————————————

Him: So would you like to go on a date with me tomorrow?

Me: No thank you.

“I know this is weird, but it feels kind of good to see you hurting — I feel like you are kind of getting a glimpse of what I’ve been going through” — says the guy that apparently had a crush on me for a long time and it was never reciprocated.  This might be why it didn’t work out between us…

“Sweeeeet Caroline!!!!!  I had to do a Google search to see who sang that!” — text from a guy before we went to a Sox game.  He is obviously not the one for me.  Extremely unfortunate, really.

There was a guy that chased me around for a couple months and we eventually went on a date.  Tables turned.. I became interested and he wasn’t.  Not going to lie, I was pretty bummed UNTIL a couple months later a group of us were answering the question “What are the 5 things you are most thankful for?”  #3 for him: “I’m really thankful for my genes.  ((silence)) You know, like genetics…” – Extremely great guy but he has not crossed my mind since.

“OH!  I’ve never seen Dumb and Dumber!” — One of the very few guys I’ve ever asked out, and he is quite possibly the most awesome guy EVER … but youch… that one cut deep.

“So I have a great idea for our first date!  And I hope this isn’t weird, but you’d meet my parents” ……………….. I was busy that evening :/ Still a very very good friend of mine 🙂

Let’s be real though… dating stories go both ways.   Some of the more epic failures on my part:

“Hey it’s pretty cold out here, I’ll be in Bed Bath and Beyond looking at Crockpots”  The guy was running late and THAT was my text to him.  Let the records show that no predate text should include the word ‘Crockpot’ … or Bed Bath and Beyond for that matter.  Lesson learned.

–I was on a first date with an awesome guy and started talking about being left on the side of the road on the day I thought I was being proposed to.  Then I got teary eyed.  Nothing says ‘let’s do this again sometime!’ better than bringing up your ex.  Probably shouldn’t have been going out on dates at that point…. Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward!

–I tried to use a computer issue I had to flirt via email with the hottest guy I’ve ever known in real life.  I ended my email with ‘It’ll be a Dalmatian Plantation!’ … Because what guy doesn’t love a damsel in distress that can quote 101 Dalmatians?!  (For the record, it was totally relevant and funny because it rhymed with the computer error message that kept popping up on my screen)

“I just have a lot of baggage right now that you shouldn’t have to deal with… I’d rather you be my copilot than my skycap.”   Yup.  That was my college self.  Totally killed the mood because I couldn’t stop laughing after that, but also proud of how quickly I was able to think on my feet!!  He married the next girl he dated and we are both better off 🙂

Now that I’m living in a new city I’m hoping I can (lovingly) publicize more of these incredibly awkward moments while still maintaining interest from at least SOME guys!  It’s a fine line, really.  In the meantime, my brother did some pretty funny posts about his worst dates… you should check them out!

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #3

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #2

The Single Life: Worst Date Countdown #1

Anyone care to share horrible dating stories?  You can’t say it’s because you don’t want them to see it… I promise they don’t read my blog.  LET’S HEAR SOME!

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11 Responses to “No PreDate Text Should Include the Word ‘Crockpot’”

  1. Courtney Allen August 8, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Sarah, those posts (while hilarious) sound tame compared to the time I went out with a Nigerian Prince (not actually sure if he was a prince…) and he basically asked me to marry him and move to Africa with him over coffee. Yes. That is a true story. SO EMBARRASSING. Oh yeah, and the time I went out with a revolutionary war reenactor… IN FULL PERIOD COSTUME. Also embarrassing. Sooo… did I win this contest yet?

    • highfiverson August 8, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

      ooommmggggg you just lived my life dream – going out with a revolutionary war reenactor!!!! HERO!!!! You are incredible.

  2. highfiverson August 8, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

    I was asked to submit this one by one of my bro’s who coaches me in my dating life… even though I STILL think it’s incredible:

    when giving my number to a guy: “Use it or lose it!! …. But don’t lose it!”

    Cmon now…. that one is FUNNY!

  3. Tanner V. August 8, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    My first date with Blair, I told her, “So, thanks for being a friend…” and then just got out of the car due to my embarrassment at my gaffe. My roommates and I then debated for 2 hours whether or not she even noticed. She did. She wasn’t pleased. Ended up working out alright though.

    Please don’t stop writing these. It’s one of the few things that I can count on being really funny on Facebook.

    • highfiverson August 8, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

      that is absolutely incredible.. i can see you and mitch and cash doing this! and yes, it truly did work out well, I LOVE THAT GIRL! I feel I know some pre-Blair horrible Tanner comments that you’re not sharing though… care to share any of those with the class????

  4. Teresa Tucker August 8, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    Okay so I have a really bad one…I was dating this guy and had no idea that he might be gay (he didn’t either). One date we went out bowling and I excused myself to so to the ladies room. When I came back he was all over some guy we KNEW was gay. Needless to say I called a friend and went home without ever talking to him again.

  5. andrew August 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    So there I was, about 2 years ago. I was taking a girl out that I had to “talk in to” going on a date with me. I am not sure where we ate or what we did (not because of any liquid influences) but I do know that we went back to her apartment to watch a movie. Everything was going great until my stomach started to act up a little bit. I need to mention 2 things. 1- her apartment was about 500 sq ft and the bathroom was right next to the living room. 2- My last name is Hunton, so Sarah you may understand the stomach genes that come with that last name. So there we were, watching a movie at her apartment, when I just could not hold it is anymore. I went to the bathroom and tried to be as quiet as I possibly could. Imagine Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly. It was like that. Except no overflow or anything. There are a lot of mental challenges to overcome when you are in this situation. 1- Amount of time spent in the bathroom is a dead give away that you are not just peeing, The longer you are in there, the worse the #2 has to be. 2- Sound dampening is very important in such close courtiers. However trying to control this can make the first mental challenge even worse. So after what was obviously waaayyyy too long to have just been a peepee session, I came out of the bathroom feeling much better on the stomach side of things, but very insecure in every other way. We continued to watch the movie, and I started to get a slight hint of smell of what I had just done a few moments before. After about 5 minutes the entire 500 sq ft off that apartment smelled so bad and confirmed what I had done in the bathroom for so long (but so quietly too). She was a trooper and did not even hint at the fact that breathing meant you engulfed the stench that was nauseating. Needless to say a few weeks later we decided to just be friends. I wasn’t shocked or hurt by any means. I was glad to not have to think about that situation every time I talked or saw her.

    • highfiverson August 9, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

      oooommmmggggggggg this is incredible. guess that’s one way to weed them out, andrew!!!
      i was told one time by a guy friend of mine: “Sarah, if we’re going to get married… you have to learn to deal with my poop”
      it was a little presumptuos of him if you ask me… and no, we are not married. maybe you could use that line on your next first date 😉

  6. Heather Vandenengel August 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

    Man, I wish I had any funny bad date stories. All my dates end up being boring/depressing not ridiculous/funny. These are incredible though–my favorite is Dalmatian Plantation. Classic!

    • highfiverson August 14, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

      hahaha yeah that’s a personal fave too… my friends didn’t let me live it down and went so far as to create albums on facebook with tons of pictures of dalmations and tag me in all of them……… love my friends. oh and i have some awkward guys i can set you up with if you’re wanting a good story 😉 just let me know!

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