10 People You Are Guaranteed to See at Starbucks

30 Jul

Now that I have a few years of experience as a working professional, I am proud to say that not only have I perfected a complicated Starbucks order (Grande-Soy-No-Water-Chai Latte), but I have also been able to narrow down the profiles of the people that you are guaranteed to see at Starbucks regardless of the day, the time, the city.. anything!  This may not mean anything to you… but having spent an unruly amount of time in various Starbucks’ (Starbuck’s? Starbuckses?  Starbucksi? Whatever, you get it) over the past month while ‘working remotely’ …you have no idea how true this is.  Welcome to my life for the past month.

1: Old retired guy reading a newspaper – Typically you will find him sitting at the cozy seat closest to the door seeking out any opportunity for conversation.  He is a regular and the employees will know him by name and awful ‘dad jokes’… the jokes and one liners may not be funny, but people laugh to be polite.  As a general rule I avoid these men because they loooove to talk to me, but yesterday he was sitting next to the power outlet where my laptop was plugged in.  Rather than try and crawl over him in my sundress, I said “Excuse me, would you mind unplugging me from the outlet?”  His response?  “I don’t think I can unplug you but I can unplug your computer”  hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck 

2: Gossip girls– They only come in pairs and use Starbucks as their meeting spot to catch up on all the latest drama in their friend group.  I can assure you that they’re sipping on the most complicated latte orders which also happen to a good representation of their lives – self-imposed complications.

3: Hot Moms in Workout Clothes – no explanation necessary.

For the hot mom’s that can’t make it out to Starbucks… 4: Young, Hot Nannies – they typically receive the brunt of the old retired guy reading a newspaper’s attention.  Sorry nannies, but maybe you should just stop being so hot and nurturing!

5: The kid that ruins the food display – Just yesterday I witnessed a kid stick his hand in the refrigerated display case and graze through it as if it was his own personal sandbox; he knocked over every drink and Bistro Box in the place.  A few weeks ago I witnessed a toddler pick up an apple juice container, shove the entire top in his mouth, slobber ALL over the rest of it and then put it back in the display.  Thanks, kids.

6: The [ONE] Overly Enthusiastic Employee – you know the one I’m talking about…  They use a higher pitched voice when they talk to you and maintain an all-teeth smile the entire time.  Everything you say is funny to them and they want to ensure that if you’re not a morning person, you will be by the time they’re through with you.  You either love them or you hate them – there is no middle ground here. 

7: Meet and Greets – Whether it be a job interview or an eHarmony match, or both… (?) Starbucks is the safest place for this first meet to happen.  Informal, but business-like.  Cheaper than dinner, but not a total dive.  An opportunity for long conversation, or an opportunity to ‘have to go’ early… the possibilities are endless.  Thank you Starbucks for your welcoming and consistent environment.  I’ve developed a knack for spotting the online daters btw… hilarious.

8: Worker Bees – whether it be students, bloggers, or work-from-homers…. they’ll sit there aaaalllllll day for the free wi-fi.  The intensely focused lap typers are my favorite because they act like they’re doing something super important and then you see their screen and realize they’re on Facebook.  Figures.

9: Bluetoother – does not stop talking on their Bluetooth from the moment they walk in, through the line, they may or may not pause the phone conversation for a rushed order, more Bluetooth while they wait for their drink to be made, add that creamer (good thing they’re hands-free!) aaaaaaaaaand we’re out.

10: Crazy Bum – Depending on where you are, you might have to wait this one out but I guarantee at least one will walk through the doors during the day.  It’s happened at every Starbucks I’ve worked from for the past month, no lie.  The most ridiculous Crazy Bum I have seen was a few weeks ago.  He came in around 6a and sat two tables down from me with a large leather padfolio and an order of hot tea (doesn’t he know that he has to come up with more complicated order? Rookie).  When he unzipped the padfolio, he had a number of catalogues/magazines stacked in there.  He started flipping through these catalogues talking to himself… weird, but manageable.  Then he started laughing… louder and louder.  Next thing I knew he was dancing.  I was already enjoying the entertainment but THEN he started ripping perfume samples out of his magazines and rubbing them under his armpits.  Too far, friend… too far.  He left at 8:30a.

There you have it!  Who did I miss???  On an unrelated note… I’m REEEEALLY ready to get back in the office and work normal hours again.


2 Responses to “10 People You Are Guaranteed to See at Starbucks”

  1. Cassie Ladd July 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    You forgot the completely normal people who just want their cup of joe.

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