I’m the Fat Bridesmaid

17 Jul

I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times in my day and I could not be more excited to share in the celebration of the huge milestone.  I am always so so so so sooooo honored to be included, especially since that means I get a free pass on their family vacations for life!!!!! (Still waiting on those family vacay invites, LADIES).  But I’ll be totally honest with you and say that I’m still not really sure why I’m asked to be in the wedding party at all – you’d think that my closest girlfriends of all people would know better than anyone that my unfortunate luck somehow always manages to make completely normal, happy life situations entirely chaotic…. weddings being no exception.

Meet Ashole:

Such a beautiful bride!  Remember the story about driving to Nashville for the weekend?  Yeah that’s her… one of my closest and best friends.  The pictures have surfaced on Facebook within the past week or so which leads me to tell you of the time I [almost] ruined her wedding.

Brynn & Sarah

Ok, ok – so “ruined” is a bit of an exaggeration.  Other than using the most explicit words some of those people have ever heard to curse out a mound of fire ants that were biting my feet, pronouncing Ashley’s new last name wrong and so it sounded like a barn animal (all weekend), the pedicurist (?) having to use the special electric tools to saw off my toenub (long story), the other bridesmaids having to go on “Sarah Duty” to keep

Brynn & Sarah

me from knocking over everything within my 5’5″ armspan, starting fake fights with Brynn, Brynn and I referring to Ashley as “bridezilla” in front of all her friends that have never met us, being attacked by bullfrog-locusts, and making a speech at the rehearsal dinner in front of about 75 people where I talked about Ashley’s pit stains, killer AOOOOGAH noise and my hesitations with their relationship… I’d say things were going pretty well!

Ashley is by far the most cool/calm/collected bride I have ever encountered.  From flowers, to guest lists, to decorations, to day of activities, to bridesmaid dresses – there was absolutely nothing that could take away the peace she had in the days’ events.  Leave it to me to test that cool/calm/collected/no stress demeanor.

Bridesmaid dresses are a great example of how laid back she is – we could get any dress we wanted, from any store, in a variety of colors that she had put together in her color palette…so cool, right?!  I did everything I in my power to make sure I was prepared for the big day, and by that I mean – I brought four dresses with me that I thought would coordinate well with the palette.  Some would call that overkill, I call it knowing myself and my tendencies.  Ash was so sweet and said any of them would work, but she loved the one that was two-tone because it tied all the other dresses together and completed the palette.  Done and done.  Highfive, self! Best bridesmaid EVER!

Ash was SO laid back that she didn’t want to decide the standing order of bridesmaids in the ceremony until she saw all the dresses next to each other since they were all different.  This decision happened about 20 minutes before pictures started; we hung all the bridesmaid dresses up next to each other and Ash decided on this:

How cute is Ashole’s style btw??  I love how she pulled this all together 🙂  Oh and you see the two-tone dress second from the right?  That is was mine.

I went ahead and put my dress on so I’d be ready to go in a moment’s notice.  We were all goofing around, listening to Brynn rap, hair was done, make-up perfected… all was right in the world.  A few minutes later as everyone else started getting their dresses on and I noticed that I had a piece of hair that was a bit out of place – I grabbed a bottle of hairspray and one of the 47 curling irons that was laying out to recurl the fallen hair chunk.  As I reached up to curl I heard a

RIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiIIIIiiiiIIIiiIIIiiP.

I froze.  I looked down to see the zipper on my side that had been holding my dress together had bust open.

Like a seven year old who just spilled grape juice on their parents’ new sofa, I tried to hide the situation and fix it myself before anyone noticed.  That’s what any normal 25 year olds would do, right?  This zipper thing was no big deal, right?  This used to happen to my sleeping bags ALL the time… the only difference was that this dress had it out for me.  It took about 27 seconds for my slow, patient, calm attempt at fixing said zipper to progress into violent shaking and an all out brawl: Sarah vs. bridesmaid dress.  Panic set in.  Somehow getting a size 00 when I usually wear a 0 made me 1. feel like a (literally and figuratively) huge idiot and 2. rethink my workout routine.

It became harder and harder to breathe… whether a result of my new found claustrophobia or a dress that was too tight, we may never know.  I was doing everything I could to hold back my tears against the newly formed, Sarah-caused wedding disaster.

I leaned over to Brenna as casually as possible and said “Hey – could you help me out with this?”  while pointing at my ribcage imposed muffin top which was bulging above and below the zipper, mind you.  Rather than the empathy panic which I would have received from anyone else – Brynn started laughing hysterically sending me into more of a panic and also drawing the eyes of everyone in the room.  Secret was out.  Grape juice on the new sofa exposed.  DANGIT.

It was getting harder and harder to fight the tears… leave it to me and my fat ass ribcage to ruin my best friend’s wedding day.  Then it happened… the first tear fell.  All hands flew on deck.  More tears.  My appendages were being thrown in every direction to get a better angle of the zipper and alas… no movement.  Hands were coming through the top of the dress stripping me down to my strapless bra (which I was fighting to keep on amongst the commotion), and more hands up through the bottom of my dress exposing my entire butt along with and extremely inappropriate panties I chose to wear that day.  More tears.

Apparently this was a task for the groom’s 83 year old grandmother.  A couple of the girls went and found her and brought her back to the bridal suite.  Great.  “Please don’t judge my scandalous panties” was all I could think as I stood, arm pinned above my head, booty out, fully exposed as this precious grandmother approached me.  In the most kind and loving voice said “It’s ok sweetie, I’ve worked with zippers for over 30 years.”  My tears stopped – She will save me!  She glanced down and was polite enough not to speak of the distaste she had in my choice of under garments… but something tells me she did not approve because forget the cautious, tedious, warm, loving hands I was expecting from this sweet woman… she tried for .2 seconds, grabbed scissors and CUT ME OUT OF MY DRESS.  That’s not embarrassing.

Thankfully I put on the runner up dress and all was right in the world.  And THIS is why I come prepared… never know when you’re going to have to be cut out of your dress!!  From the pictures, you would have never even known 😉

All in all, a BEAUTIFUL wedding, a gorgeous bride, a loving husband, two of the greatest families I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting… and a crazy awesome huge shoutout to Rosalyn and Erica for all their hard work!!!  LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

::disclaimer:: No weight insecurity interventions, please.  I am completely fine and confident with my body… if I were to sincerely be complaining about busting out of a size 00 I would ask that you would just go ahead and slap me.  Chalk it up as another one of those goofy Sarah stories!
 

Photography by: www.andrewryanshepherd.com

Venue: www.threepointsranch.com

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2 Responses to “I’m the Fat Bridesmaid”

  1. Actually a fat girl. February 19, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

    As an actual fat girl bridesmaid looking for tips and tricks to make standing up with six size zeros less embarassing, I feel even more disgusting after reading your post. Be less careless with your keywords.

    • highfiverson February 19, 2013 at 7:54 pm #

      There are a lot of things I want to say, but first and foremost I apologize for the carelessness of my words and making you feel anything less than beautiful – size 0 or size 22 we all have our insecurities and in no way did I intend for this to be a hurtful story… I mean let’s be real, I don’t know ANY girls that have ever had to be cut out of a bridesmaids dress ten minutes before the ceremony, regardless of their size!!!! This was merely an attempt to share something goofy thing that happened to me… I encourage you to read other stories on here, like the time I painted a unibrow on my face and unexpectedly farted in front of my neighbors…. or the time i tried to provide help to a woman that fainted on the subway by offering up a banana in THE most awkward way possible… or the time I told my boss I pooped by someone’s office (instead of popped)…. I just find myself in goofy situations and like to write about them, but in no way does it excuse offensive words, so for that I apologize.

      You said you were looking for tips and tricks to make standing up there feel less embarrassing… and girl, I just want to remind you that you GET to stand up there!! Of all the women in her life, she chose YOU to be by her side on her biggest day!! That is a huge testament in and of itself of what a great friend you are 🙂 My tip would be to take a look at everyone sitting in the audience and remind yourself that she picked YOU 🙂 Have fun! Celebrate! Rock that dancefloor… I can only imagine you’ve earned it… some brides be craaaaaaaaay 😉

      Best of luck – I’m sure you’ll be great ❤

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