I hope this doesn’t come off as rude or offensive, but it’s my blog and I can be honest here and say that there are just some people in this world that I would rather not sit next to on a plane. Does this make me a bad person? No. Does this make me think anything less of those people? Absolutely not! after all I’ve been that person (story to follow)…. but given the option I can guarantee that you’re not going to be the one to volunteer to take the middle seat inbetween the sweet precious tantrum baby and the [I'm sure, very] friendly man with the absolutely horrendous BO. Amiright?!
That being said, I’ve taken the liberty of creating….
The World’s Best Worst Airplane Seating Chart:
Isn’t this what it always feels like every time you fly!?
*Honorable mentions go to The Mean Parent, Over-Sized Dreads Guy, The Won’t Pull Down The Shade When The Sun Is Beaming In Your Face Kid, Everyone’s BFF (not to be confused with the Jokester or Oversharer), The Flight Attendant Brown Noser and last but not least… The Cougher.
**My personal favorite is The Panicked Flier… I once sat next to a woman that insisted that I walk up and down the aisle with her before take-off to physically touch/count every aisle seat on the way to the emergency exit in case it was too smokey to see when the plane went down. She also wore nylon socks because the material is less flammable than cotton….? Because when the plane goes up in flames heaven forbid my socks catch on fire. I wish I could make this stuff up, but alas.. true story.
I got to go to back to Abilene for Sing Song and an unofficial friend reunion of sorts this past weekend… it was my first time going to Sing Song since since I was in it FIVE YEARS AGO. I’ve learned there are two things in this world that make you feel old: 1 – 5 year reunions of any variety and 2 – your hands being sore from playing skee ball (yes, I experienced both this weekend).
It was seriously sooooo great to catch up with old friends, professors, go to Friday praise chapel on campus (tears!), hangout with the fam, hangout with Granny and friends at her ‘retirement village’ … all in all awesome. So awesome in fact that I got a total of six hours sleep between Thursday night and Friday night, and 45 minutes of sleep Saturday… My flight was out of Dallas at 830a Sunday morning so my friend and I woke up at 5a to drive to DFW so I could catch my flight. Have I mentioned that girl is a saint?
We struuuuuuuuggled to stay awake on our three hour drive but any attempt at remaining coherent was completely useless. She stayed awake by driving 95 MPH (God bless Texas highways) with her hand out the sunroof and/or grabbing ice from her Whataburger cup to rub on her face. I don’t know how I stayed awake because I pretty much just stared straight ahead and tried to keep up conversation as we watched the sunrise.
In the last hour of the ride delirium started kicking in and I somehow convinced myself that I had forgotten to purchase my return flight. I spent the next 40 minutes on the phone with various airlines asking if they had a reservation for me, only to realize that I was flying on the same airline as I flew in on because I had in fact bought a round trip ticket… (shocking, I know). I also discovered while waiting in the security line at the airport that I had lost my phone… only to realize a full 24 hours later that I had put in my wallet (where I always keep it); nevermind the fact that I opened my wallet to get my ID out, put my ID away, get my debit card out and put my debit card away in that 24-hour time frame. That’s four accounts of quite literally touching my phone and having no idea where I had left it. I made it through security and went to my gate… well, the wrong gate. After standing in line to board a flight to Philadelphia for 12 minutes I realized I was at gate 38 and my ticket said gate 28. 2′s and 3′s look pretty similar…. (just go with it).
After that crazy fiasco of a morning, I somehow managed to make it on the correct plane and sat down in the correct seat. Let’s call this a win. Little did the guy next to me know what was in store for him.
I made absolutely no attempt to be friendly and I think the frazzled hair, 24-hour old makeup and disheveled yoga pants + hoodie fashion statement was enough to keep me from finding my new best friend for the next three hours. Needless to say, I was left alone and passed out as soon as I heard the flight attendant say “San Diego.” Aaaaaaaaand we’re off!
I have no idea how far along into the flight we were or how long I had been asleep… but I was startled awake by the man sitting next to me. Why you ask? Oh only because
I WAS SNORING IN HIS FACE.
I kid you not, my head was turned all the way to my left facing upwards, mouth gaping open, breathing and SNORING less than four inches from this poor man’s face. It had to have been even worse than what I’m envisioning because when I opened my eyes the two people sitting behind me were quite literally standing up out of their seats to try and catch a glimpse of the obnoxious, rude, horrendously disgusting person (aka: me) that was the talk of the entire plane.
I was so confused when he woke me up I just ended up flinging my hands out in front of me to catch my balance [in the extremely stationary plane seat], tried for .3 seconds to figure out where I was but quickly turned my head to the other side and fell right back asleep. How rude of that guy to wake me up! (kidding)
When we the plane touched down I was jolted awake and wiped the drool from the sides of my mouth. I casually looked at the man next to me and judging by the fact that he moved his mouth, chuckled and pumped his eyebrows up and down I can only assume he said something to me… I didn’t understand him or attempt an effort to respond. I looked at him confused and propped my head back on the seat waiting to deboard. Man, I bet HE felt awkward! Idiot. (kidding)
I got home, crawled in bed and fell asleep by 11a. I woke up Monday morning at 6a to head to work and was quite the peach that day, let me tell ya
I guess when most people fly, they walk of the plane with a story about some crazy person they had to sit next to. Well in this case, I am that crazy person and I have to tell the story on myself :/ I do however take great comfort in the fact that I provided that man (and a plane) with a story to tell to their friends and families that picked them up from the airport. You’re welcome, World.