One of my biggest fears in life is having my old, close, dear friends meet the new awesome people in my life… the reason being, I have a number of stories (read: really embarrassing moments) that I have conveniently chosen to forget, that my friends remember for a lifetime and bring up when I’m trying to disguise myself as someone that is socially normal. This is one of those stories, and these are the girls that have it:
The four of us lived together our junior year of college in a house we called The Mullet.. business in front, party in back. I want to go ahead and tell one of these stories on myself before you have the opportunity to meet them.
It was the fall semester of our junior year and our ‘sorority’ (for lack of a better word) social was coming up; the theme was “All Things Yellow” and I decided that Bert and Ernie was a cute costume idea… I’d be Bert (because he’s yellow) and my date would be Ernie. The real reason I wanted to be Bert was because he has a siiiiiiiick unibrow and I’ve always wanted one. Perfect opportunity to sport a uni!! (Who am I?)
A few nights before the social I had a random night off (rarely happens in college) and all my roommates were out of the house (also rarely happens in college). My thought process went something like this: I’m bored. I don’t want to study. Social is in two days. Maybe I should get a costume together. Do I still have that turtleneck? Hey! Unibrow! I need to practice my unibrow!
Because everyone knows you can’t just wing a unibrow… it’s got to be perfect (?????)
I pulled out some eyeliner and mascara and had at it. The more time that passed, the more focused I became with perfection. The less I realized what exactly I was doing. The bigger the rectangular colored in black brick was getting on my forehead. Aleisha came home and I popped out of my room to see what she was up to.
Before she could so much as get a word out, she fell on the ground pointing and laughing. I didn’t realize that she hadn’t been with me for the completely logical thought process that resulted in me putting a unibrow on my face. I chuckled along nervously but she Could. Not. Stop. Laughing. It was in that moment that I realized that investing 30+ minutes to practice drawing a unibrow on your face is weird.
We started joking around and decided we couldn’t let a good unibrow go to waste… we needed to let this thing out in public! Aleisha mentioned I should go ask the neighbors for a cup of sugar because we ran out when we were making our hypothetical sugar cookies. Perfect! The only problem was, most of our neighbors were families and it was pretty late so we didn’t want to disturb them. Oh except the upper classmen/hot guy fraternity guys that lived across the street. Target acquired!! (wtf, self???)
We marched ourselves over there giggling at the thought of their reaction to their new unibrow neighbor. HotGuy1 answered the door and quite literally jumped back at the sight of my face. It was priceless… I kept a straight face and managed to talk this poor guy’s ear off all while he tried to avoid eye[brow] contact. He invited me into the house and walked me to the kitchen. Leish waited for me outside… after all, the joke was pretty much over and this shouldn’t take too long… right?
He pointed in the general direction of the cabinet where they kept their sugar and without stopping kept up his pace, headed out of the kitchen and to the back of the house without so much as saying bye. I rummaged in the cupboard when HotGuy2 came to the kitchen. I turned around to say hi and he had the same gut-wrench-jump-back reaction. How am I just so hilarious?!
I kept him in conversation as long as I could while his eyes darted around the room. I maintained a straight face the entire time and even added lots of expression to my words just for the sake of using my eyebrows more in conversation. I couldn’t take it anymore.. this poor guy… I finally gave him an out and decided it was time to leave. When the unexpected happened.
The loudest fart I have ever farted in my liiiiiiiiiiiiife.
It was not the kind of fart that you can blame on a chair scootching across the floor. Or whose sound can be masked by the slam of a car door or a loud cough. This was a bellowing, sound altering, mind blowing fart. It’s one thing to intentionally embarrass yourself with a unibrow. It is quite another to be taken back by an unexpected fart-boom. What may have made it even worse was the fact that my response was to just turn and run. As fast as I could.
As I bombed through the dining room, the kitchen, out the door and past Leish who had been waiting patiently in the driveway, I used everything I had learned from my 7th grade hurdle coach… head up, knees up, toes up, hands flexed… bring it, [someone that runs really fast]!! I had an undeniable look of muderous determination to get myself into The Mullet.
Leish could do nothing but run behind me asking “What happened?!?! hahahahaha Wait why are we running?!?! What happened?!?!?! haaaahahahaha Sarah??? Why are we running?!?!” There was nothing that could be said or done to break the concentration I had harnessed to get into that house. We ran inside, slammed and locked the door behind us and I told her the whole story.
To this day, it is one of the more memorable Mullet stories (and trust me… there are A LOT). So before they have the chance to throw me under the bus… that is what happened the night of the unibrow sugar fart.
And now some cute pictures of the four of us so we can reminisce about the ol’ college days <3